Internal Bruising

I know he’s different.
I know that this is different.
All of this.
But why can’t I just let this anxiety go?
It just started creeping up.
I don’t want this worry to ruin something good.
I want to make the apprehension go away.
I want to trust.
I want to let myself trust.
Again.
I do trust him.
But what does trust mean to me now?
I love him.
I know he’s a gentleman.
I know he won’t just disappear.
But too often I still fear that he will.
I’ve grown so used to not being able to rely on anyone.
Now I don’t know what to do when I have someone I can rely on.
I have to stop questioning.
I have to stop worrying.
I have to start trusting.
I do trust him.
I’m going to win this battle with myself.
I can do better.
I have got to just trust—
To trust his intentions without questioning every little thing.
I need to let myself fall.
I can’t be caught in his arms if I don’t.
I want him to catch me.
I want to let him catch me…
Because for the first time in a long time
I’m with a man who doesn’t make me feel alone.
I’m going to win this battle, God help me.

--Written by Sandy Heights