Tired

Do you ever feel that exhaustion behind your eyes? Not just the “I need to sleep because I’m tired” feeling. But the “my emotions need to settle down, heart needs to beat a little slower, and spiritual rest needs to come” tired.

I feel that tired today: I feel the “give me a break and let this internal weight I just can’t ‘put down’ disappear.” It is the exhaustion you only let yourself feel every so often but which can open the trap door hidden beneath the happy foundation you’ve built; the camouflaged hard life lessons we dress up and call “wisdom” as we age.  And, indeed, that “emotional intelligence” so often grows us into better, stronger, more at-rest human beings. But behind what we call “emotional intelligence” is the burden of the years of separations and reunions, deaths and births, painful fights and rekindling love, angry outbursts and careful caresses, which have formed that inner “wisdom.” It comes only from relationships built and lost, sometimes in the best– but often in the worst– of ways.

So, some might say I have emotional intelligence, many tell me I have wisdom, and everyone calls me strong. But today, I’m tired. I won’t be tired for long. Likely tomorrow or the day after, this life experience will feel a little lighter. My hear will beat a little slower. My eyes won’t display dabbed-dry bags underneath. So I will let myself feel this weight today. I will be exhausted. I will rest. And tomorrow I will find that I have closed that Pandora’s Box, my trap door under center-stage, and adjusted my internal weight to make it bearable to carry once again. I will not lose hope in tomorrow’s ability to help me carry today’s weight. 

–Written by Sandy Heights

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