Choosing What I Give

When it comes down to it, I’ve already given him my past. I’ve already given him my firsts, my hopes, my trust, my love. I gave him so much that he didn’t deserve to be given… By giving him my past, I also gave him so very many bits and pieces of my “presents.”

If I gave all that to a guy who didn’t deserve it, why would I waste anymore of my time by giving him my future too? Entertaining old wounds or picking at scabs is only giving him more of my time- and my time should be more valuable to me than that. I can’t change what I’ve done; God knows I can’t change what he’s done; and I can’t take back what I already gave him. BUT I can choose to give the pieces of me more wisely and more circumspectly in the future.

I can choose to give my pieces of my future to something and someone else– always. I can choose this: what to do with my future, what and who it is for, and who defines it.

What I know from this year is that I don’t know all the answers. I don’t understand why so much happens to me or anyone I love or anyone I don’t even know. It might seem easier to say that everything is just chance and without reason or cause. But I don’t believe that is true. I never will.

Life has a purpose and I still believe everything has a reason. I don’t know what those reasons always are. But I don’t have to either. Part of growing up (part of life) is learning that you can’t know everything—and you don’t get to have every reason for everything that has been done. But you can learn what you can, do your absolute best, and love even when it seems every other soul isn’t even hating—but is indifferent.

And in the end, it will be worth it: every last bruise and scratch. Because in the end, we are here for each other. We are here to help one another. If we miss that, we’re missing the biggest part of life. God sent Jesus for us- not Himself. He sent us for others- not ourselves.

Everything isn’t black and white or as simple as right and wrong. Simple church answers can’t save anyone. But love can, and love does. Love is what saves us all. Those who can’t give love are destroying themselves. Those who die for love aren’t just saving themselves, they’re saving others. Jesus saved us all. No matter my pain, I say love is worth giving and life is worthwhile.

–Written by Sandy Heights

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