Leave it to me to ruin a night of joy
With my own internal battles
Of grief, self-doubt, and fear.
Leave it to me to beguile
Us into thinking we have peace
When my demons are lurking and waiting
To jump out and make you watch
As they shove me off the pier.
It’s been three months to the day
Since I scribbled another rhyme.
I switched from writing poetry
Because every single line
I typed revolved around you.
I thought if I wrote our stories,
Narrated how our love for you grew,
But was too quickly upended,
I would find some level of acceptance–
I dare say, I think I was naïve enough
To believe I might find peace.
I know I wanted nothing more
Then to lock in place your memory
On the pages that would ensure
I never forgot…
So now I’ve typed your stories.
Time has passed.
A year from your loss
Will rumble in two short weeks from today.
To be honest,
I still feel fucking lost–
Without the security we once had
Before it felt like life was put on pause.
But last week, I got good news–
Great news I said I wasn’t expecting.
God know the honest truth
Is that I was internally demanding
Something good to come my way.
And with a falsely gentle smile
I thanked them for what they would say.
At the end of it,
I should have been able to celebrate
What was met to be a grateful day.
Instead, I created a false high
To counteract the apathy
I was feeling inside, telling me it was all pointless;
The insecurity I managed to hide
Telling me it might actually all be worthless.
And with that high I sank into a depth
I’m not sure I’ve ever known,
A depth where I felt I might be stuck,
Alone.
A darkness surrounded me
Holding me hostage
As my guts spilled, body shook, and mind wandered.
Until I woke from a dream I never wanted
And saw that these things might leave me forever haunted.
Leave it to me to ruin a night of joy
With my own internal battles
Of grief, self-doubt, and fear.
Leave it to me to beguile
Us into thinking we have peace
When my demons are lurking and waiting
To jump out and make you watch
As they shove me off the pier.
—Written by Sandy Heights