Beguile

Leave it to me to ruin a night of joy

With my own internal battles

Of grief, self-doubt, and fear.

Leave it to me to beguile

Us into thinking we have peace

When my demons are lurking and waiting

To jump out and make you watch

As they shove me off the pier.

It’s been three months to the day

Since I scribbled another rhyme.

I switched from writing poetry

Because every single line

I typed revolved around you.

I thought if I wrote our stories,

Narrated how our love for you grew,

But was too quickly upended,

I would find some level of acceptance–

I dare say, I think I was naïve enough

To believe I might find peace.

I know I wanted nothing more

Then to lock in place your memory

On the pages that would ensure

I never forgot…

So now I’ve typed your stories.

Time has passed.

A year from your loss

Will rumble in two short weeks from today.

To be honest,

I still feel fucking lost–

Without the security we once had

Before it felt like life was put on pause.

But last week, I got good news–

Great news I said I wasn’t expecting.

God know the honest truth

Is that I was internally demanding

Something good to come my way.

And with a falsely gentle smile

I thanked them for what they would say.

At the end of it,

I should have been able to celebrate

What was met to be a grateful day.

Instead, I created a false high

To counteract the apathy

I was feeling inside, telling me it was all pointless;

The insecurity I managed to hide

Telling me it might actually all be worthless.

And with that high I sank into a depth

I’m not sure I’ve ever known,

A depth where I felt I might be stuck,

Alone.

A darkness surrounded me

Holding me hostage

As my guts spilled, body shook, and mind wandered.

Until I woke from a dream I never wanted

And saw that these things might leave me forever haunted.

Leave it to me to ruin a night of joy

With my own internal battles

Of grief, self-doubt, and fear.

Leave it to me to beguile

Us into thinking we have peace

When my demons are lurking and waiting

To jump out and make you watch

As they shove me off the pier.

—Written by Sandy Heights